Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man Tells No Tales Review

PG13: Sequences of Adventure Violence, and Some Suggestive Content 

Disney, Jerry Bruckheimer Films

2 Hrs and 9 Minutes

Cast: Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, Brenton Thwaites, Kaya Scodelario, Kevin McNally, Geoffrey Rush, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightly 

REVIEW: So recently, I did a Rendy Revisit to the Pirates of the Caribbean films in order to prep myself for this film. Boy did those movies burn me out. I wasn’t really looking forward to this honestly. Then again its been 6 years since the last film so hopefully they can get back on track right? Maybe?

Captain Jack Sparrow is pursued by an old nemesis, Armando Salazar, who along with his Spanish Navy ghost crew has escaped from the Devil's Triangle and is determined to kill every pirate at sea. Jack, aided by his new allies Henry and Carina, must seek the Trident of Poseidon, a powerful artifact that grants its possessor total control over the seas, in order to defeat Salazar.

THE GOOD: Five movies in and Captain Jack Sparrow is still lovable as ever. Depp maintains the unexpected wittiness of the character we’ve grown to know and love. With all the weird makeup he puts on, the only character we love to see him become is Captain Jack Sparrow especially when he’s teamed with Geoffrey Rush’s Captain Barbossa. Every time we see Barbossa and Jack Sparrow get together, you just wish the two would’ve had their own Buddy Cap film (get it Cap? Cop?). Every time they’re forced to work together, it's always an element to the story other than it being the main focus. They're the two characters that are most interesting and entertaining.

From the beginning of the film, you instantly learn everything you need to know about young Henry Turner. Oh yeah, remember when Will was cursed to the Flying Dutchman at the end of third Pirates film? Well, he’s still cursed. While Jack was doing that Fountain of Youth shit, young Henry Turner tries to connect with his father Will and vows to break his daddy’s curse. Seems simple enough. There is a clear motivation for Henry and you get it. It immediately engages you to the ride.

The film’s 3D is amazing, especially in IMAX. When we see Captain Salazar for the first time, you see his ghostly ash float out of the frame and towards you. It's one of those 3D experiences that you feel was rightfully intended for 3D especially with the action sequences.

Hows Javier Bardem though? Is he going to get this franchise set afloat again? I mean, Bardem made James Bond relevant again with his amazing performance in Skyfall. Surely his performance can save this franchise right? Well, he’s surely having fun as Salazar. He’s not just a villain after Jack just because Jack is an asshole. For the first time ever, we actually get a character's backstory. Instead of just being an angry dude mad at Jack, we see both Salazar’s super villain backstory and Jack Sparrow’s origin where it works one both accounts. Sometimes you can't tell what he's saying because his accent is so thick.  Out of the films, this has the most disturbing and graphic content. Right when he’s introduced into the film, Salazar and his crew literally massacre an entire British Navvy ship where you see ounces of blood dripping and men being thrown into fire so you know he means business.

THE BAD: One thing all these Pirates films retain is something they never abided by; the laws of physics. The damn laws of physics have never applied to these movies and they never will apply to these movies.  

When we’re introduced to Jack in the film, we see 12 horses and some of his crew rob a bank by having the horses drag an entire bank in the shape of a house with a vault, I know horses are strong, but 12 horses can drag an entire house? Where’s the log—ah screw it the action is cool. The shit is still a cartoon with the wide variety of insane action sequences. It's admittedly the most creative action sequences I’ve seen in these films since Dead Man's Chest. 

If you’re walking into a Pirates film thinking it’ll have things such as physics and logic, then you’re walked into the wrong movie. Henry Turner grows up and starts RKO-ing his higher ups. I didn’t know you can learn martial arts on the sea. What kind of makes it dumb is that it's a movie centered on characters who have deep interests in science. If you want to watch a film featuring Pirates and scientists that have more of a brain, you might as well watch The Pirates In an Adventure With Scientists and that's a clay-mated film. I’m sorry, but Jessie Pinkman has more knowledge of science than these guys.

So you know how we had a force romance in the 4th film with Finnick Odair and a mermaid? Well, we got another forced romance between The Giver and Teresa Agnes. Only romance that ruled the franchise was between Elizabeth and Will. Nobody gives a fuck about anyone else. Even their dialogue with each other is terrible. 

Kaya Scodelario’s character Corina has a bit of funny introduction that pokes fun at the 16th-century superstitions. Here we have a woman of science who everyone calls a witch. The only witchcraft I do question is how does she know nearly every backstory of others and exposition. Might as well call her expositional Effy (any Skins fans? No?). She starts off as an interesting character but as the film goes on she just becomes an even blander Keira Knightley. We get why Henry wants to get this trident, but Carina motivation is muddled until it's convenient to the plot. 

Why can't we just have a platonic relationship with these explorers with their own goals? Nothing more and nothing less? She’s an astronomer who wants to get this thing for blah blah blah, and he’s an explorer who wants to get the same thing for blah blah blah. Have them work together and that's it. Don’t have them play the “if they, won’t they” game.

Here’s something that makes no sense to me that would problem have you curious as well. So the only way Salazar and his crew are freed from their Devil's Triangle is if Jack gives up his beloved compass. Um, I saw Jack lose possession of that compass plenty of times in previous films, so why didn't these bastards show up in other movies especially when it was explained that Jack stole the compass when he was a young man? You see other characters from Barbossa to Beckett carry that compass in the other movies, so there should’ve been a better explanation for Salazar to escape the triangle other than that.

But hey we got a whore joke in a Disney movie. I love it! No wonder this film was rated PG13 for suggestive content. We can get it in a Marvel movie, but this is a Disney movie under a Disney logo and we get a misinterpretation bit with the word whore. It's stupidly immature, but it is rather humorous.

The real issue of Dead Man Tell No Tales is that this is a movie is that, it's the same formulas as every other film in the past. If you want to make a straight forward Pirate film, don’t force the same fucking formula you’ve been rehashing since the first. You don’t need the forced romance between young & beautiful British people. You don’t need the unnecessary gross-out jokes that’ll make you cringe. You don’t need unnecessarily pointless characters in weird makeup just to get a Best Makeup Oscar Nomination.  AND MOST OF ALL YOU DON’T NEED THE GODDAMN REDCOATS! Every single film, it's always Pirates Vs. the British Vs. some other antagonist that's far more interesting. Every time I see a British guy in a red coat in these movies  I just think, “Oh great more villainous red coats who look like either Peter Capaldi and Ewan McGregor.” The movie just constantly treads retreaded waters. I know they’re all different actors and those names aren't in this film, but they all look like them.

The only difference this movie has opposed to the last film that elevates it to be a worthy theater experience is that it has the element of excitement and some unexpected plot twists.Once some secrets are revealed you can predict where how some of the story plays out.

NOW TO MINOR SPOILER TERRITORY!

You think you’re going to get a lot of Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly? HA Think again! They’re only here as familiar faces to put you into your seats as they let these youngins attempt to take over the franchise with their formula. Pretty much, in the beginning, Henry asks his father, “Hey Dad, do you mind if I borrow your formula that I promise is NOT EXACTLY LIKE THE SAME AS YOURS?”

“Yeah sure, call me when Keira gets onto the set.”

I swear to you the woman does not show up until the end and has absolutely no line of dialogue. 

You see the clip in the TV spot where she’s running? THAT’S ALL YOU GET!

LAST STATEMENT: Though it is fast paced and entertainingly fun throughout, Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man Tells No Tales suffers from the same tiresome formula we’ve come to see in previous installments making it a fun yet forgettable ride. 

Rating: 2.5/5 | 58%

Super scene: Salazar’s Origin.