Baywatch Review

R: For Language Throughout, Crude Sexual Content, and Graphic Nudity

Paramount Pictures, The Montecito Picture Company, Uncharted Pictures, Hawaii Media 

1 Hr and 56 Minutes

Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario, Kelly Rohrbach, Jon Bass, Llfenesh Hadera, Priyanka Chopra, Hannibal Buress

REVIEW: THIS R RATED TV ADAPTATION SHIT HAS TO STOP!

Mitch Buchannon, the gung-ho leader of the elite Baywatch lifeguard squad, clashes with new recruit Matt Brody, a washed-up pro athlete brought in as the new face of the organization. However, when a dead body is recovered from the ocean, the two must put aside their personal differences and work with their team to stop a criminal mastermind's drug trafficking operation.

THE GOOD: Over the years we've seen Dwayne Johnson in movies that are truthfully fucking terrible. This film here is downright the best leading role I’ve ever seen him in. I'm happy he's found a home in action comedies. The dude has great comedic timing and proves to be a great comedic actor because of it. Honestly, if it wasn’t for Fast & Furious, Johnson would still be in dead end family films. The movie is pretty much Hobbs as a lifeguard because the character of Mitch Buchannon is pretty much Hobbs from Fast & Furious. They have the same personality, they're charming, they're cool, they kick-ass, and they both insult people as much as they can in the same vein of Adam Sandler does. One of the funniest running jokes in here is how Mitch calls Matt Brody every pop culture reference he can. He literally even calls him High School Musical and well that joke is self-explanatory.

I love how the movie opposed to other studio comedies looks like an actual movie opposed to a cheap looking comedy. Between this and Snatched, I love how comedies are looking more theatrical nowadays and hope this trend still goes on.  What makes this entertaining is the action sequences. For a guy who directed Horrible Bosses, Seth Gordon does a good job directing action. The fight sequences move fast and it's well choreographed. For a comedy, the editing is actually fluent instead of being terribly spliced. 

THE BAD: It's sad to know that this is one of Johnson’s best performances, but it's wasted on a middle of the road script. The movie may be called Baywatch but has the plotting of 21 Jump Street. The entire plot line of the movie is these lifeguards searching for the source of the drug dealer who causes death and casualties on the Miami beach. 

Brody constantly points it out throughout the film how they are only lifeguards and shouldn't do anything more than that. As an audience member, you side with him because that police procedural stuff isn’t Baywatch. The original show had characters dealing with earthquakes, saving people, and their relationships with one another.  The only faith this film really has towards the show is playing way too many songs in every scene it can. That right there is Baywatch not this 21 Jump Street drug dealing shit! It works for 21 Jump Street because that's the actual premise of the show and the film adaptation never lost sight of that premise. 

THE CLIMAX OF THIS MOVIE COPIES THE BIG CLIMAX OF 22 JUMP STREET!

The movie is slow when it focuses on the comedy because the jokes go on way too long. The movie gets slower when it focuses on its drama because it's too sentimental and hammy. There’s never a good pace when it focuses on either. It never becomes as insufferable as CHiPs, where it was an obnoxious cash grab. There is actual effort put into this but it's not enough.

The film tries to get you with the comedy, but as it goes on, it loses sight of it as it becomes drastically unfunny. It focuses more on its plot and characters. That's good and all but if you are an R-rated comedy you need to balance your story and your comedy. The movie purposefully loses sight of the comedy so it can focus on its characters especially Matt Brody. I mean when it begins is that there are comedic scenes where jokes go on forever. There's a blue balls joke ten minutes into the movie and it goes on forever. I even timed it for that gag goes on for three minutes of this 119-minute movie. It's actually funny and has a light raunchy tone compared to other R-rated comedy that's only there for shock value. It doesn’t add anything to the story, it's just a long dick joke. 

The movie often switches around between Efron and Johnson or Jon Bass pining for Kelly Rohrbach. I never saw Bass in a film before and he’s sort reminds me of a young Jonah Hill.  The majority of the comedy comes from Jon Bass’ subplot which has a better structure than the main story. The film begins with his subplot where you think the entire movie would focus on him, but then it becomes Matt Brody’s story.  At that point, you forget Bass is in the film as it deviates from the comedy for a long duration of time so it can be dramatic with the main story that you've seen in numerous of better movies. The way how lazy the main story goes, you honestly wish the movie would focus more on Ronnie because that is a more entertaining story than the generic drug dealer story. I'm sorry but IF YOU WANNA ADAPT A DRAMA SERIES DON'T DISGUISE IT AS A FUCKING COMEDY!

It spends time having us getting to fully know the guys from Mitch to Matt, but it doesn’t spend the time to have us get to know the girls such as Summer or C.J who are also iconic characters from the show. 

The real thing that keeps this movie watchable is the entire cast except for Priyanka Chopra. I appreciate the ambitious idea of having her be the antagonist of the film, but she never comes off as a real threat because her delivery is only one tone. She’s really good on Quantico which is a show I really like, but her delivery for all of her lines in this are pretty bad.

Even the inevitable David Hasselhoff cameo comes in at a bad time where it is cut too short and can't be basked in its glory because it comes out of nowhere. You can feel how forced it really is. For Hasselhoff being a giant cameo in two films this month, it's a damn shame nothing will ever beat this as the best film cameo he’s ever had.

The plot is predictable and doesn't have any twists and turns to even recommend. I would be more lenient on it if it wasn’t for the fact that this movie is 2 HOURS LONG!

I SAID THIS IN A MILLION REVIEWS AND I’LL SAY IT IN A MILLION MORE. NO COMEDY MOVIE SHOULD NEITHER APPROACH OR BE OVER 2 HOURS LONG. UNLESS YOU’RE TELLING A GREAT STORY (The Big Sick) OR HAVE AN EPIC STORY (Spy),  DON’T MAKE YOUR COMEDY 2 HOURS LONG! 

LAST STATEMENT: Though it’s talented cast have enough energy and charisma to hold their own, Baywatch’s tired and retreaded plot line and lack of tonal focus makes this R-rated TV adaptation a total beach to sit through.

Rating: 2/5 | 43%

Super Scene: Matt Brody gets saved under the sea.