xXx: The Return of Xander Cage Review
PG13: Extended Sequences of Gunplay and Violent Action, and For Sexual Material and Language
1 Hr and 47 Minutes
Paramount Pictures, One Race Films, Revolution Studios
Cast: Vin Diesel, Donnie Yen, Deepika Padukone, Kris Wu, Ruby Rose, Tony Jaa, Nina Dobrev, Toni Collette, Samuel L. Jackson
REVIEW: Remember the early 2000s where trends would just happen? Before social media influenced the popular trends people follow today, popular trends were just influenced by actual media. During the early 2000s, the #1 popular trend was XTREME SPORTS! Tony Hawk was still a name, kids were watching Rocket Power, and everyone was drinking Mountain Dew. That all peaked with the 2002 film xXx starring Vin Diesel as a XTREME criminal turned XTREME spy. While watching that film in preparation for this made me think “Wow, this is such a good action-spy film……for 2002.” NOW in the vain of sequels nobody asked for in 2017 comes xXx: The Return of Xander Cage, a film that I would like to return to sender.
Extreme athlete turned government operative Xander Cage (Vin Diesel), thought to be long dead, comes out of self-imposed exile as recruited by the CIA to race villain Xiang (Donnie Yen) to recover a powerful weapon known as "Pandora's Box" which can control military satellites which could cause catastrophic damage. Recruiting a group of thrill-seeking cohorts (a sharpshooter and a hacker), Xander finds himself caught up in a deadly conspiracy of corruption among world governments including insiders in his own country's government
THE GOOD: One of the best things about the first xXx is Xander Cage himself. Xander Cage is back as he talks trash as much he kicks ass. If you saw the 2002 film, you already know that Cage is the smartest guy in the room who can solve situations faster than Scooby-Doo and makes anyone he talks to (if not a hot girl) feel like shit about themselves, so it’s entertaining to see him do what he does best. All the film’s genuine humor comes from Cage. He can make Yo Mama jokes after he slept with her. That's the type of guy Cage is. You can tell Diesel himself is having fun as Cage once again due to the glowing charisma and charm he bleeds in this character. As much as you ask why did this character need to come back to the big screen, you immediately see the answer is simply Diesel charming the pants off his audience. Granted he could have done it with another Riddick film but whatever we got Xander Cage.
Ever since I was a little boy, my father always tried to get me into his karate action movies whether they’re mainstreamed or distributed by Shaw Brothers. He started to have his own favorite Asian action stars from Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Tony Jaa, and Donnie Yen. With the exception of The Raid, I was never convinced to watch any of his karate action films. But this film made me want to watch every Ip Man movie because Donnie Yen is one badass motherfucker. It wasn’t until I saw Rogue One that I started to have a liking towards Donnie Yen, but this film confirmed it. The best element of this film is hands down Donnie Yen. Every action sequence that is remotely cool in my opinion features Yen kicking ass in such a charming manner. He’s so much fun to watch onscreen that even when he’s fighting Vin Diesel you somehow start rooting for him.
THE BAD: We are living in the age where we get more than four superhero movies a year. We got Disney’s Marvel and Warner Bros.’ DC highlighting their films every year. Now to enter their competition we got Paramount’s xXx. I’ll be damned that this isn’t labeled as a superhero movie because xXx: The Return of Xander Cage combines the formula of both Marvel and DC into its hyperactive action. This movie has the plotting of a Marvel movie while ripping off elements from every recent DC film. This is nothing more than a comic book movie that retreads the same material of the first xXx and applies it to this sequel which is slightly inspired if not incredibly stupid. If Captain America: The Winter Soldier had a baby with Suicide Squad and fed it nothing but Mountain Dew, it would be this movie. It's as if D.J Caruso was turned down by Warner Bros. to make Suicide Squad so he decided to make his own version but with xXx.
From the very beginning, one of the most notable films this rips off is Suicide Squad. Yep Suicide Squad. Because Suicide Squad was popular enough for the teen demographic, it decides to steal the majority of its elements even down to pretentiously trying to sell its own soundtrack by playing a song in every three scenes. One of the most notable devices this takes from Suicide Squad is the intro title cards. Although this utilizes them better by having the cards show up sporadically throughout the film other than showing up in one shot, but then it starts getting to a Yoga Hosers level of annoying where it shows up for every single character including the ones who are there for one scene and never seen again. It even rips off a moment from Man of Steel. Remember in Man of Steel when Zod did his worldwide televised message threatening the destruction of earth? Well the same thing happens here. But since you already know the antagonist is only human and doesn’t have any Kryptonian technology, IT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE!
While getting pictures for this review I found a picture of Donnie Yen and Vin Diesel but as you look in the back, you can see a crew member wearing a T-shirt of a logo for a certain movie.
OOOH YEAH!
This movie asks a lot for you to believe since it is a “turn off your brain and enjoy the ride,” type of film. The film has so many xXx team members the audience doesn't know that introduce them like they were previously members of the Suicide Squad. You have a Captain Boomerang, an Asian Justin Bieber, and a Ruby Rose. Seriously there’s no other way to say it, its….Ruby Rose. Her name is already is a superhero name and she’s actually one of the coolest characters in the film. She’s like Deadshot but with more humorous one-liners. As I said, you don’t know any of these xXx characters with the exception of Ice Cube’s Darius Stone who:
1) Had his own movie.
2) the film’s own marketing spoiled him from being a surprise in this movie.
3) doesn’t show up until the climax as the Deus Ex Machina that you see coming from a mile away.
It’s honestly disappointing because when Cage finally interacts with Stone they share an immediate chemistry that you wish was for a different movie. If it was Vin Diesel, Ice Cube, and maybe Donnie Yen in a Three Musketeers style of xXx film then it would have been a much better and entertaining movie. But alas we have the generic PG13 action sequel that just retreads the same story as its original like modern sequels do. Still waiting for John Wick 2, which also stars Ruby Rose.
Another thing the film asks you to believe is Xander Cage picking up every chick he meets. I know spies have to get the girl and have obligatory relations all for the sake of the film’s genre, but I’m not going to suspend my disbelief of Xander Cage receiving an orgy because he’s Xander Cage. The film plays him off as a legend bigger than James Bond where girls just throw themselves at him and for some reason, I found it uncomfortable. Nowadays, we see Bond pick up girls who are close to his age (like in Spectre he briefly hooked up with Monica Bellucci), and yet we see Xander Cage get with girls significantly younger than him numerous of times. By the time he makes out with the last girl the script tells him to make out with, you’re either going to go “my man,” or be like me and go “bullshit.”
A minor annoyance of the first film was the stereotypical nerdy tech agent who served as the comic relief played by Michael Roof. Though we don’t get him in this film (mainly because he died in 2009), but we get Nina Dobrev as Becky who is pretty much the female version of that guy but younger, hyperactive, flirtatious, scared of guns, and of course the one who drops that PG13 F-bomb. If you didn’t think Michael Roof was an annoying and unfunny character, wait till you get a load of Becky. I love Nina Dobrev in all honesty especially in Perks of Being a Wallflower, but she's really given nothing to do here and it's heartbreaking to see that. Even Toni Colette who is both a great actress and comedian is given the stern boss lady character whose role you can figure out from her first facial expression when she's introduced.
LAST STATEMENT: Despite it benefitting from brief “turn your brain off” entertainment from several well choreographed action sequences and Diesel’s charismatic performance, xXx: The Return of Xander Cage is nothing but an unnecessary action sequel that retreads every element from generic blockbusters we see today.
Rating: 2/5 | 44%
Super Scene: grenade game of hop potato
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| Xander Cage's Character Return | Title Card For Every Character |
| Vin Diesel's Charisma and Charm | Generic Plotting |
| Donnie Yen | Lack of Character |
| Ruby Rose One-Liners | Becky |
| Well Choreographed Action Sequences | Waste of Toni Colette and Nina Dobrev |
| Deus Ice-Machina | |
| The Believability of Xander Cage Getting an Orgy |
