The Dark Tower Review
PG13: for thematic material including sequences of gun violence and action
Columbia Pictures. Media Rights Capital, Imagine Entertainment, Weed Road Pictures
1 Hr and 35 Minutes
Cast: Idris Elba, Matthew McConaughey, Tom Taylor, Claudia Kim, Fran Kranz, Abbey Lee Kershaw, Jackie Earle Haley, Dennis Haysbert, Katheryn Winnick
INTRO: It is 2017, and Hollywood's ratio of good to bad Stephen King film adaptations is 9:15. The Dark Tower changed it to 9:16.
Jake Chambers is an 11-year-old adventure seeker who discovers clues about another dimension called Mid-World. Upon following the mystery, he is spirited away to Mid-World where he encounters a Gunslinger, Roland Deschain, who is on a quest to reach the "Dark Tower" that resides in End-World and reach the nexus point between time and space that he hopes will save all existence from extinction. But with various monsters and a vicious sorcerer named Walter o'Dim, the Man in Black hot on their trail, the unlikely duo find that their quest may be difficult to complete.
THE GOOD: Thank God, this was not released in 3D. I’m honestly surprised for a film with a good amount of visual effects and CG usage, this wasn't released in the 3D format. I guess since this movie was fast tracked, there was no need for the 3D conversion. Personally, I’m happy I didn’t have to watch this film with a pair of glasses on top of my glasses since a lot of the cinematography is dark and some of the CG rendering looked unfinished.
Hey, I’m digging through the bottom of the barrel to compliment this movie so here are some actual genuine good aspects of the film.
The landscapes were pretty. Whenever we’re in the other world that is unnamed [seriously it is never mentioned what the name of the world beyond the portal is unnamed]
Whoever did the art of James’ dreams is a good artist.
The thing that I enjoy about the movie is when Roland [The Gunslinger] travels to Earth for the first time. It's naturally funny when a person of another dimension travel to Earth cause that allows humor to be incorporated. Granted the humor is very reminiscent of Thor, but there is one joke that I received a big belly laugh from. Since the actor who plays our lead protagonist is known for playing Heimdall in Thor, it feels a bit cheated.
OH and thankfully IT comes out next month, and that looks pretty promising.
THE BAD: Dear Sony, stop releasing movies. Please after that 2014 hack, I think it's time to turn in your towel. You got lucky with Goosebumps in 2015, Sausage Party in 2016, and Baby Driver this past June. I would say Spider-Man Homecoming as well, but we all know that the majority of the heavy lifting came from Marvel Studios. Besides those mentioned films, you guys fucked up tremendously. For two weeks in a row, you managed to consecutively release steaming pile of garbage (The Emoji Movie) after steaming pile of garbage (The Dark Tower), and I’m tired of it.
Exactly a year ago WB’s Suicide Squad was released, and that was one of the most disjointed films I’ve ever seen in terms of post production editing. One year later, Sony’s The Dark Tower takes the same exact cake. I’m wondering, does every blockbuster with a beginning of August release have to feature shitty editing? This film is one of those only times I felt an editor’s struggle to stitch a movie together. Two people edited this, and yet the entire film is a loosely structured 95-minute mess. The action sequences are also poorly put together for a lot of it is unclear and is shown through nothing but quick cuts that barely even grasp the concept of continuity. You would have a shot of Elba being incredibly close to a CG creature of some sort, but in the next, he has enough distance to point and shoot. The only cool thing about the action is one shot where Elba reloads his gun in a matter of 4 seconds.
Besides that, this is also one of the first times I can completely notice the use of ADR in a movie. You hear McConaughey say his lines clearly but in sometimes he's in a congested area. He has telekinetic powers so obviously you would hear it through his head to another, but sometimes he’s not using his telekinetic powers, so it's just terrible ADR work.
It'd be good to know what the hell what would be going on in the story because of all the elements introduced are confusing as hell. You have an alternate dimension with gunslingers, seers, and monsters but there's no explanation who the hell they are that even the antagonists have no name or any skills that make them threatening.
Some scenes are just played at random as it progressives nothing to the plot. Some scenes are incredibly pointless. While walking on Earth in NYC, The Man in Black (I'm telling you that's witnesses a mother and her daughter conversing. For no reason he says “hate,” and the girl turns back around to her mom with black pupils in his eyes.
As an audience member, you’re thinking,
This damn thing is called the Dark Tower, and for 95 minutes you get no significance, or barely a glimpse of this said Dark Tower. All you have instead is a man and child with barely any chemistry going against Matthew McConaughey who is possessed by the spirit of Nicholas Cage. Idris Elba does a good job being charming and cool looking, but the kid he’s paired with has an acting skill as bad as a four-year-old acting for the first time. Whats even worse is that we follow this kid named Jake played by Tom Taylor and never for a moment you feel any sense of urgency for him at all. It's not even his fault since this is his first major feature role but after seeing Jacob Tremblay in Room in 2015, the bar for child actors has been massively raised. its just the lazy acting atmosphere he's surrounded by that diminishes his character.
If the actors around him don’t give a shit about Taylor's character, why should I? For example, he has this neighbor who we’re supposed to believe is his friend but he delivers his dialogue in such a monotone voice. Even his stepfather who is expected to be threatening is delivering his dialogue in away that is never for a second is convincing. It's as if these were the only actors that fully read the script and realized they were working in dogshit. I blame that all on director Nikolaj Arcel who is known for directing A Royal Affair. This wasn’t a directing job of passion, but instead a directing job for money. His performers are terrible; the shot composition is weak. It's as if he was attempting to continue the streak of terrible Stephen King film adaptations purposefully.
It does get better when he interacts with Elba and the rest of the movie focuses (well when the editors are trying to) on the two, and it's livelier. The only issue is that their dynamic bond is rushed, forced, and manipulated onto the audience. You don’t get to learn who Roland is a person outside of a gunslinger who lost his dad. You don’t care about James because he has no dimension to him outside of a troubled kid who lost his father at a young age. Put those one-dimensional personalities together, and you get:
Some characters are insanely strong for no reason. We know Roland is a gunslinger but towards the third act the "screw it" button is pressed and for some reason, he just turns into Batman as he shoots some sort of Batarang at peoples throats. You can tell it is a retrievable weapon because literally after that shot, Roland takes it back from the guy’s throat. Then all of a sudden he can punch people from one side of the room to another. This is thankfully from our amazing screenwriters. Three writers on this movie and yet it becomes your obligatory summer blockbuster with destruction, loud sound effects, and of course explosions.
I guess every time, I see the name Akiva Goldsman in a credit it just automatically shows how shitty a movie will be. Screw getting excited for a film nowadays. It makes me wonder how does this guy get to find work? Seriously every movie he’s credited for this year have been ending up on my worst of 2017 list to far. You got Rings (one of 3 writers), King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (producer), Transformers: The Last Knight (story or lack there of), and now The Dark Tower, another entry in the shitty career of Akiva Goldsman. If Goldsman’s name is in the credits whether its writer, producer, or story, there’s no reason to have faith in it anymore.
WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS MAN WRITE MOVIES FOR YOU HOLLYWOOD?! THIS DUDE IS INCAPABLE OF PROVIDING DECENT CINEMA. THE LAST GOOD MOVIE HE WROTE WAS I AM LEGEND, AND THAT WAS A DECADE AGO! Just because he has an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind doesn’t mean he advanced as a screenwriter. I believe the last time I checked, A Beautiful Mind came out in 2001!! Just one great film he wrote 16 years ago doesn’t make up for the four shit movies he poisoned the page with 16 years later. Stop giving Akiva Goldsman movies to work on. When your name is on four pieces of cinematic dumpster fires in one year, that's when you know you’ve fucked up Hollywood.
Plenty of the characters have generic dialogue such as, “Oh we must fight against the darkness. Wherever darkness goes, there will be light. I don’t kill with my mind; I kill with my heart.” At that point, you’re questioning if this is either a Stephen King movie or a Kingdom Hearts game? With Matthew McConaughey wearing nothing but black, he might as well be an evil Keyblade master.
This is a bad movie by no means, but it's not as unbearable as the rest of the movies Goldsman worked on. In fact, it's unintentionally hilarious. McConaughey's performance is on a Nicholas Cage level of over the top. The action sequences are cheesy and tame, but there's a moment where a guy is shot and is flying through the air, but instead of landing straight on the ground, he gets run over by a random car that crashes through a parking lot. It's not an enjoyable or entertaining film to watch, but it is a short and fast paced film so by the time you say, “This sucks,” the movie is over. At the end of the day though, it's just another mediocrely bad Stephen King film adaptation.
LAST STATEMENT: Whether you’re a fan of the book series or not, The Dark Tower is a terribly crafted film with disjointed editing, mediocre performances, and a lazily over familiar three act structure of every generic blockbuster ever made.
Rating: 1.5/5 | 32%
Super Scene: Anytime McConaughey says “stop breathing.”
