Fifty Shades Freed Review

R: Strong Sexual Content, Nudity, and Language.

Universal Pictures

1 Hr and 45 Minutes

Dir: James Foley | Writer:  Niall Leonard

Cast: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan, Arielle Kebbel, Max Martini, Brant Daugherty, Luke Grimes, Rita Ora, Eric Johnson

INTRO: I’m ready to rip this shit to shreds. You wanna go and use your tagline for your final film, “Don’t Miss the Climax?” Well, I’m going to use an innuendo for me reviewing your ass.

Believing they have left behind shadowy figures from their past, newlyweds Christian and Ana fully embrace an inextricable connection and shared life of luxury. But just as she steps into her role as Mrs. Grey and he relaxes into an unfamiliar stability, new threats could jeopardize their happy ending before it even begins.

THE BAD

With this being the third movie that was shot back to back with the second, all of the flaws from “Darker” glows brightly in "Freed." I know these films aren’t self-conscious on how stupid they are though it would be nice if they are instead of them being so aggressively stupid. Right out of the gate, the movie's terrible script comes into play where people are so inept. Immediately after they get married, Christian takes Ana to a private jet to where she asks, “You own this?!”

BITCH YOU’VE BEEN WITH HIM LONG ENOUGH THAT YOU SHOULDN’T BE SURPRISED WITH THE THINGS HE CAN AFFORD! DON'T ACT FUCKING SURPRISED!

Wait lemme calm down. 

You know what? It doesn’t matter because this is the final film. I have finally come to terms with the gratuitously repetitious sex scenes where they play with handcuffs, and some song from the film’s soundtrack blares over it. I want to give this the benefit of the doubt. I'm trying to be lenient but these stupid moments like that makes it so difficult.

Three entries in and the film is still constantly begging you to sympathize with Christian and his past, but this motherfucker is so controlling that you do anything but root for his and Ana's marriage. You're just there waiting for their inevitable divorce. Thankfully he isn’t so fucking creepy this time around but replacing creepy with controlling doesn’t make the case any better. 

There is a scene where Ana is talking to one of her book clients who happens to be a man, and when Christian comes in, he barely addresses the guy just because HE IS A GUY! He gets so jealous of his own wife for no reason! He sees that his wife is talking to another guy for business purposes because that's part of her job. We never see Christian do any business or even seen in his office. No, he decides to stalk his wife at work so that they can go on vacation at any minute. Seriously this happens a lot where she leaves her job just to galavant with Christian any time that she pleases.

Ana, on the other hand, has the right to be protective of her man because when other women start to throw themselves at him, she gets rightfully defensive. Christian just acts like a massive baby for no goddamn reason. One of the most significant moments in the film (the trailer spoiled it so don't bitch me at me with that SPOILER shit) is when Ana announces her pregnancy to Christian. Like the dickhead that he is, Christian gets so pissed about it and begins to express how he isn’t ready to be a father. Bitch if that was the case there were at least three ways it could've been averted while you were constantly porking Ana:

• Don’t always rely on Ana to use birth control
• Should’ve used a condom.
• Your pullout game wasn’t strong.

Because of this, the stupidity level cranks up to 10 as you laugh unintentionally at the absurdness of decisions from that point on. For fuck sake, they repeat something that was done in the predecessor. Just like “Fifty Shades Darker” when everyone is feeling so sad and lost,  they play a NEW Sia song as Ana has a moment where she looks in the distance trying to find hope. 

Ana isn't even in the clear either because she consistently back talks Christian just so they can have "passionate" sex in the next scene. Shit, there is a moment where she says out loud she would kill someone if she found someone cheating on her friend. He’s controlling, and she’s psychotically homicidal, so I guess they’re meant for each other. Or to quote 2003’s "The Cat in the Hat," 'He’s a control freak, and she’s a rule breaker.' Jeez, you can see why Jack Hyde hates them so much. 

SPEAKING OF WHICH!

You thought Jack Hyde was just regularly pissed about Christian & Ana living their best lives? Nope. One-third of this entire movie’s plot is centered on him plotting revenge which happens to be the only exciting thing of substance that "Freed" has going for it especially with how absurd they make it. One of the first things Jack does is some next level super villain shit where he becomes a master of disguise to sabotage parts of Christian’s company. Even when they get down to it, the stakes aren't even grand, and reasoning behind it is some Shyamalan type bullshit.

With every little thing that may lead to anything exciting, director James Foley and his crew constantly drop the ball by making it so lame. There is a car chase sequence and its supposed to be cool like a “Fast & Furious” film but because of this poorly put together and directed like a car commercial with pop music blaring as Grey is Ana’s GPS. TAKE A NICE GUESS WHAT HAPPENS RIGHT AFTER! 

Yup, you’re right. They have sex in the car because WHY NOT?!

Hey, at least they found new ways to utilize the film’s soundtrack. Instead of blaring the music from the soundtrack over each and every sex scene, they use it for other things such as Ana cutting Christian’s hair or Ana cooking Christian dinner. Instead of calling this "50 Shades," this would've been better off titled "Domestication: The Movie."

Though I am grateful for this being the shortest film in the trilogy clocking in at a hour and forty-five minutes, there is still nothing to be said in this movie. Its just is a looping circle that never ends. The drama leads to arguments which lead to a sex scene and then to extensive pointless scenes of frolicking on some sort of vacation which leads to more sex scenes. Oh my God, this has the same nonsensical narrative circle of “The Room.”  I shouldn't denounce "The Room" like that but you know what? At least "The Room" is:

• Remarkably bad
• Enjoyable to watch
• Wasn’t stretched out to three fucking movies.

But "Freed" is an endless cycle that won’t end until it the movie ends. Even when the film concludes, it's insulting. What was the message of these movies? Being a submissive is fun? Any lessons learned? No. Do we feel anything or find any dimension with these characters? NOPE! 

If this film franchise wasn’t insulting enough just for existing, it tries to manipulative you by doing the most manipulative thing a third and final movie in a franchise can do: ADD A CLIP SHOW! When you use a clip show to send off a goodbye to a franchise you have to make it feel like it was something that was earned. This wasn’t earned. "Twilight" was a franchise that existed from 2007 through 2012. That’s five years, and when they used a clip show as a proper sendoff, it was earned. None of the shit in here is earned. This trilogy that was around for THREE YEARS doesn’t even have the right to use a clip show to say goodbye because it didn’t even make an impactful hello. By the end, the best way to say goodbye to these characters is like this.

You can tell the intention the "story" was trying to convey was the story about this billionaire with a damaging upbringing and the plain Jane who saved him and helped him reconcile with his past. Now put into those terms, the story sounds interesting but its barely bought up ever so often. If it weren't more focused on the sex or the continuous sequences of vacations, then you would've had an interesting movie instead of a padded out trilogy. 

THE GOOD

It’s the final movie! I swear I’m not saying that as a cheap joke but having this be the ending to the trilogy isn’t only a blessing but its also the most positive outcome of this movie. Love it or hate it, when you leave the theater by the end, you will get either the happiness feeling of satisfaction (considering if you’re a fan of the series) or the feeling of freedom (considering if you hate these movies). As poorly these films are written there is one intentional joke that works and gave me the biggest laughs. I don’t want to give the joke away, but if the entire film series were all leading up to that punchline in a scenario that involves having to put someone in restraints, then I would be forgiving. 

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but in this movie, some of the sex scenes work. When they are not in the playroom, the sex scenes aren’t big or extravagant because its regular sex that couples do. No, none of the sex is erotic besides the time they go to the red room, but sometimes you don’t need to be erotic to be effective. Out of every sex scene from all the three movies, the only one that gave my pants some excitement was the moment Ana is on top of Christian in his car. Why out of all the scenes is the 30-second car sex effective well its because IT IS SOMETHING PEOPLE DO!  

For a series that was based on Twilight fan fiction, I’m going to make a Twilight comparison. Remember how in the last Twilight movie where Kristen Stewart was acting circles around Robert Pattinson well that reflects here where Dakota Johnson is acting circles around Jamie Dornan. "Freed" primarily focuses on Johnson and for the most part, she’s really good. She’s given plenty more to do besides be Christian’s object for sex. She has to be the carrying fact for the scenes that involve emotion, and she has numerous moments where her performance actively gives you chills.

Meanwhile, Dornan is one note and stiff throughout the movie (and no I’m not talking about his penis). It sucks because I just saw a hilarious Fifty Shades parody that James Cordon did with Dornan where Dornan had to play the Anastasia role. To everyone’s surprise, he was great due to his expressiveness. But when it comes to these movies, he’s just so bland. There is only one scene here where he isn’t one note, and of course, that is a scene where he comes home wasted. 

LAST STATEMENT

 “Fifty Shades Freed” annoyingly follows the same format as the predecessors without any regards to maintain any interesting elements to stop the same lazy cycle of action repetition. For this being the third and final film in one of the worst trilogies in cinematic history, let’s all come together and hope to never let anything as degrading as this shit ever to be released as a theatrical feature or published as a book ever again.

Rating: 1/5 | 21%

Super Scene: Christian surprises Ana by taking her and her friends on vacation.