Transformers: The Last Knight Review
PG-13: Violence and Intense Sequences of Sci-Fi Action, Language, and Some Innuendo
Paramount Pictures
2 Hrs and 30 Minutes
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Josh Duhamel, Stanley Tucci, Anthony Hopkins, Isabela Moner, Laura Haddock, John Turturro, Jerrod Carmichael.
Voice Cast: Peter Cullen, Omar Sy, John Goodman, Steve Buscemi. Ken Watanabe, Frank Welker, John DiMaggio, Tom Kenny, Reno Wilson,
REVIEW: Back in 2007, I was living in Connecticut. My dad bought a massive sound system for his big flatscreen TV, and the first thing he wanted to watch was Transformers. I wasn’t into Transformers, but my nine-year-old self was open to it and thought it was one of the coolest things ever. I’m 19 now, and I want to go back in time and punch my nine-year-old self in the face.
Optimus Prime finds his dead home planet, Cybertron, in which he comes to believe he was responsible for its destruction. He finds a way to bring Cybertron back to life, but in order to do so, Optimus needs to find an artifact that is on Earth.
THE GOOD: The film has a good amount of voice actors from the animated series return for this. That's all I got.
I only chuckled once. There is one good joke that has a solid build up and execution, and that was with Bumblebee getting a SIRI voice box. The effects are great but then again you can polish a turd can still call it a turd.
I’m scratching the bottom of the barrel here because this shit has pissed me OFF FOR THE LAST DAMN TIME!
THE BAD: I was avoiding this film all week because I had better shit to watch on days I could’ve seen this for free. On Monday, I saw War For the Planet of the Apes, and on Tuesday, I saw The Beguiled. BUT WEDNESDAY I PAID TO SEE THIS. The only reason I did this was because I had a 3-hour break from work and reviewing this was inevitable. For shit's sake, I went to the premiere of the previous film in 2014.
Photo by Larry Busacca/Getty Images Entertainment / Getty Images
Granted that was my first movie premiere, I felt awkward as hell watching it because I DIDN’T EVEN LIKE THAT MOVIE! I was in the theater with an excited audience who wooed for every second in the film, and I am just sitting there thinking:
Several weeks prior to the movie’s release, a rumor came out regarding the film’s running time to be over three hours. Bay immediately came out saying that this is the shortest Transformers film he’s ever done. Though Michael Bay claimed this to be his shortest Transformers movie, this movie feels like an eternity to sit through.
Right in the first minute, Bay bursts himself into flames with explosions. Right after the Paramount logo, he begins the film right with huge ass explosions. Then out of nowhere, it opens with his version of King Arthur which arguably I would prefer more than Guy Ritchie’s King Arthur film. It is as if he decided to make Arthur a part of his Transformers film in retaliation of not getting signed to direct Warner Bros.’ adaptation.
Does Hollywood not have any more good editors for their blockbusters anymore? It's as if every week with the newest summer film I’m going, “This is the worst edited film I've seen all year. No no no, THIS is the worst edited film I've seen all year.” It feels like every blockbuster’s post production team has tested me recently, but this pushed me so far that I want to sincerely apologize to Suicide Squad which I considered being one of the worst edited summer blockbusters I've ever seen. Sorry Suicide Squad, Michael Bay has you beat. The film also steals the fucking title cards style from Suicide Squad to introduce Megatron and his crew. The only difference is that it means absolutely nothing to the story especially when that entire crew is killed RIGHT SHORTLY AFTER THEY WERE INTRODUCED! They utilize it just to sell more merchandise to little boys.
It is a privilege when an action sequence changes its aspect ratio from full screen to widescreen, When a film does that, you know that specific moments are the magnum opus of the move in regards to action or to enhance the visual experience to take you to a new world. Life of Pi, Oz: The Great & Powerful, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Enchanted, and The Penguins of Madagascar are some films to name a few that showcased how much effort was put behind the movie in both filmmaking and effects. The way the aspect ratio is utilized together in this is as if a kid with ADD constantly flickered the on and off switch. NOTHING CAN BE HAPPENING, but Bay still goes from shooting from a regular digital camera to an IMAX camera in 10 seconds or less. You can barely get a shot that has a duration of over two minutes before he switches over to that digital widescreen camera. He just does it so willy-nilly that you begin to get an aneurysm from it. If it's not that, Bay is going, “Make every moment epic. Make running epic. Make the action epic. Make people playing polo epic.” FUCKING POLO!!
You don’t get new characters who are memorable or fun to watch. The only exception is Isabela Moner who is giving the best performance in the movie, and she's the youngest cast member. The worst thing about her though is that she has 20 minutes of screentime in this 2 hour and 30-minute movie. You get people were given a paycheck to either give exposition (Anthony Hopkins), give shitty comic relief (Jerrod Carmichael WHO DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS SHIT!), give the dumb males eye candy (Laura Haddock), and give a meh performance but look cool while doing it.
The film is “written” by more than three guys, but it feels like it's the same retreaded script that has been recycled in 2007.
Here are all the storylines you have here:
- Cage being the protector of the Transformers
- Izabella being an orphan and needed a home after her Transformer protector is killed
- Josh Duhamel and the military
- John Turturro and his Cuban life
- Bumblebee needing a voice box
- Government hiring Deceptions to do their bidding
- Anthony Hopkins & his butler
- Peter Quill’s mom needing to find a man.
- Cage needing to find a woman
- Optimus Prime turning “evil.”
AND ALL OF THEM DON’T EVEN CONNECT!
Thankfully this isn’t as racist as the other movie, but it still is every chance it gets. You still have that one fucking robot trying to do a black impersonation where it speaks in slang using terms like “mofo” at the end of every sentence.
The shit is still sexist as well. We’re introduced to an English Literature Oxford Professor whose personality you can never get around to figuring out because everyone around her is telling her how much she needs a man. She wants to be independent, but poor woman is dogged out by Bay’s mansplaining. When she enters Hopkins character’s home after being kidnapped by Hotshot, she’s wearing a casual shirt and pants. IMMEDIATELY THE NEXT SCENE CUTS TO HER WALKING INSIDE HIS HOUSE IN A MODEL TYPE DRESS! You don’t know where she got it from other than wardrobe off screen. You know they’re going to get together in the end because God forbid we can have an independent woman in a Michael Bay film.
This shit goes from a fine line of being a movie to becoming an endurance test. There is a scene where Sir Anthony Hopkins is in a car with his robotic butler. When you see that robot crash its car onto another, he happily says, “MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!” I literally did this.
Yeah, I walked out. I never walk out of movies, but today I did. I went and asked the guy at guest services for my money back (while having 1 Hr & 30 minutes left on my break) and apologetically told me he was unable to do so. SO I WENT BACK IN TO FINISH THE DUMPSTER FIRE I PAID TO SEE! I feel numb. I really do. I have watched all of the other films on DVD (only once at the respective years each film was released) and never saw them in a theater until Age of Extinction.
Remember that South Park episode where the boys found George Lucas raping Indiana Jones? Well, the past ten years Michael Bay has been raping Transformers, and nobody is batting a fucking eye except critics. I gave this franchise the benefit of the doubt in 2007, in 2009, in 2011, and in 2014. Well, I am going to say what I was afraid to say in all those years especially in 2014 when I sat in the same room as Michael Bay. Fuck Michael Bay and fuck these movies. As I get older and grow wiser and smarter, these Transformers movies just seem to get dumb and dumber. Some franchises got their shit together by their fifth entry such as Fast & Furious, but this goes the Ice Age route and gives less of a damn about its audience.
LAST STATEMENT: Lazy and loud in both filmmaking and quality, Transformers: The Last Knight is the same shit Bay has crapped out for over a decade and solidifies that nothing is going to change anytime soon.
Rating: .5/5 | 13%
Super Scene: SIRI’s voice cameo.
