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Nine Lives Review

This is a joke. I could’ve sworn this was a joke straight off of College Humor or SNL. When I saw this trailer back in April, I questioned who in their right mind greenlit this and why do we have beloved actor Kevin Spacey and director Barry Sonnenfeld attached to this project?! Most importantly why did I watch this? Well shitty movies makes for the best reviews.

Tom Brand (Kevin Spacey) is a daredevil billionaire at the top of his game. His eponymous company FireBrand is nearing completion on its greatest achievement to date - the tallest skyscraper in the northern hemisphere. But Tom's workaholic lifestyle has disconnected him from his family, particularly his beautiful wife Lara (Jennifer Garner) and his adoring daughter Rebecca (Malina Weissman). Rebecca's 11th birthday is here, and she wants the gift she wants every year, a cat. Tom hates cats, but he is without a gift and time is running out. His GPS directs him to a mystical pet store brimming with odd and exotic cats- where the store's eccentric owner- Felix Perkins (Christopher Walken), presents him with a majestic tomcat, named Mr. Fuzzypants. En route to present his daughter with her dream pet, a bizarre turn of events finds Tom trapped inside the body of Mr. Fuzzypants. Adopted by his own family, he begins to experience what life is truly like for the family pet, and as a cat, Tom begins to see his family and his life through a new and unexpected perspective

What I can truly say positive about Nine Lives is that…..its not as bad as you think it is. By every means this film is a huge piece of shit, but its a turd you have to see. By God thankfully its not A Talking Cat, but is a more cheaper and rather darker version of the Shaggy Dog.

There are so many reasons this film is terrible, but I just have to say the brillance of how much this is not A FAMILY FILM! This is a PG rated FAMILY FILM but is dark as hell. Why?! This film goes from a cat drinking SCOTCH and having A HANGOVER to two security guards attempting to use a taser on a cat (WHICH WOULD FUCKING KILL IT SO THIS MOVIE IS GLAD PETA ISN’T SUING), to a character to seemingly commit suicide. YES SUICIDE! And in my seat I’m just appalled how much this isn’t a kids film.They say hell and damn ever so often. If the entirety of this story wasn’t dumb enough, the effects are horrendous.

This film has a $30 million dollar budget but the effects is horrible the film opens with the worst green screen shot ever. Seth Rogen made This is the End and Sausage Party for only $30 million dollars but this movie doesn’t know how to use its budget. Even the effects on the cat doing things that require CG is cheap as 2002’s Scooby Doo. 2004 Garfield’s effects is much better than this cat. The film’s opening sequence, (not the iPhone cat videos [oh yeah the film opens with that]) is the worst green screen. Kevin Spacey jumps off an airplane skydiving with Robbie Amell watching, is the so obvious how bad the green screen is. The film glows with so much cheap and terrible effects it levels up to Sharknado.

Even after he’s turn into the cat, the most of the film is ADR voice recording for Kevin Spacey and his reading is so bad. It just made me want to bring out Bugs Life when he was the villain Hopper and his voice in that is twenty times more charismatic than his voice recording in this. His acting is great, he’s putting his all into this fucking talking cat movie, but his voice is lazy. The entire cast is really acting their ass off like they’re in a Academy Award winning motion picture, but its nothing more but a contender for Worst Picture at the Golden Raspberry award

There are so many bad things about this movie for families. But if you’re either drunk, or high, or need a movie to go hook up in because nobody will be at this theater a week after its opening weekend. One way or another, you will have a ball. As a critic, my mind was in pain and torture, but as myself my heart was going insane, which had me laughing my ass off for all the wrong reason. In my theater, there was a kid who kept stomping his feet who I thought was trying to escape from this trainwreck. Then in the middle of the film two very old, loud, and gruff men came in sitting in front of me and kept saying “awwww” in every scene and the bigger of the two kept asking his friend every 5 minutes “YOU LIKE THIS? WANNA SEE IT AGAIN? LETS WATCH IT AGAIN?” and I’m just there asking myself “which insane retirement home did these two escape from?”

Nine Lives is one of those awful family films that you question its existence but if you’re on a huge trip with somebody, this is truly an amazing cinematic experience.

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